I’ve been so ready to update y’all about all the happenings on this end. But I didn’t know where to start because it’s soooo much. But if I keep pondering on a perfect topic, I’ll never be able to write. So excuse me but I’m just winging it this evening a bit more than usual. LOL
The biggest change is I’m taking a break from work. Too be 100% honest, I was overwhelmed, constantly anxious, no longer happy, constantly in fear of loosing employment and my performance was poor. I was getting trouble at work, having schools constantly call me about my kids tardiness and absences. I was so overwhelmed with working full time, trying to manage all the kids needs, the household, be a wife, show up as a friend, good sibling etc. I was showing up for everyone but myself and still felt guilty for not doing enough. When I tell you my mind starting to tell me the most awful and viscous lies.
I’m sure you’ve heard, “feeling like you’re not good enough”. But when the feeling also becomes a reoccurring thought or voice in your head, there is a pain that becomes so intense, you’d try anything to stop that pain. When that pain becomes intense, it can feel like you’re so low that the only direction you can go is down. It’s like your energy, purpose, enjoyment of life, and soul has been separated from your body. In fact for me the emptiness became physically painful.
Because people don’t want to be deemed crazy they don’t tell the truth. My truth is I wanted the mental pain to stop so bad that I’d rather not be here. I felt my kids would be better of without me and deserved a better mother. I started accusing my husband of the craziest things, even if I didn’t say it out loud. Like moving my keys to make me seem like I’m going crazy. Then I would go into thoughts of feeling like a burden. The cycle is vicious!
But please don’t be ashamed. Many people don’t share because of the shame as been classified as crazy. I’ve been call crazy all my life. And I’m crazy enough to share my testimony while getting help. Help looks different for everyone. Help can be medication, talk therapy, coping skills, or even hospitalization. Getting help doesn’t make you crazy. It helps you take control of your life and get back to living the life you enjoy!
I can go into many details about my recent experiences. But to sum it up; I had days of constant crying, panic attacks, self deletion thoughts/fantasies, depression to the point I would sleep for 12 hours at a time. No bathroom break needed. I’m sharing this because their are people that are ashamed, or embarrassed to say these things. So I’ll be your voice and know you’re not alone. You’re not crazy! Bipolar disorder, depression, schizophrenia and other mental health disorders are chemical abnormalities in the brain. Not a choice or result of poor coping with life.
And another thing. Please stop saying there is nothing you can do for a person in a mental health crisis. Especially a friend or family member. You can admit you don’t know how to respond or what to say but help the person get the help. NAMI had great resources. But don’t hand someone a pamphlet and leave it at that. If a person is in a crisis, do you really think they’ll stop and look at the pamphlet. Help make some calls to those resources. Ask the person in crisis if you would like to stay on the phone for support and just listen in.
If someone does choose to self deletion it never is anyone else’s fault. But you always have people that feel guilty and go over the what if’s when it’s too late.
Please see NAMI contact info below.
In a crisis, text “NAMI” to 741741 for 24/7, confidential, free crisis counseling.